fUll brAzIlIAn wAx ... OUch!

I'm not quite sure when the concept of hair removal came into place and I don't care now - at least not anymore!
But I had one of the worst experiences just a few days ago after getting a full BRAZILIAN done on me and I'm still recuperating from the burning injuries I sustained.
If you don't know what a Brazilian is, stop reading now!
So ladies, keep that skin so fresh and so clean and pulled till it becomes loose by the time you turn 35.5
Now, for all you men out there, here's a preview of the pain we go through:

Step 1: a girl must first locate a good wax place. Usually the "kahyan" places have the best waxers from India or Vietnam or something like that. STOP BELIEVING that the Burj Al Arab hotel has the best salon! Because it doesn't!
Step 2: if a girl doesn't find a good waxer place, please get a recommendation of a good waxer place from a minimum of 5 people, not your mom's friends cousin's daughter!

Step 3: make sure you wear nice cotton underwear, not a silk thong ok? this is not a sex freak show, and you need to be comfortable and not have strings all up in your coochie and asshole

Step 4: your waxer will see your vagina! repeat that in your head as many times as possible because it is the reality

Step 5: relax your muscles ... think of that boyfriend or that one night stand you had that gets you wet every time - just don't wet the flat bed you're laying on and scare the shit out of your waxer

Step 6: be prepared to stretch your legs as your waxer demands and in any position she demands.

Again! This is not a sex show - if you think this is PORN, please leave my blog

Step 7: your waxer will massage warm wax on a small area of your vagina and then rip the hairs out

NOTE: Yes, it hurts like a bitch for the first 25 times ...

Step 8: she moves closer to your vagina lips

Step 9: she asks you to gently hold back your clitoris on one side while she rips more hair out

Step 10: hold your clitoris on the opposite side, and the process continues

Step 11: Btw, you're agonizing in pain now ...

Turn around ...

Step 12: Put each one of your hands on each one of your butt cheeks

And open wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide ...

(Khaleeji boyz, don't get any ideas!!!)

Step 13: This process actually is better than vagina waxing coz there's more meat

And voila ... your ass is cleaned up

Step 14: All along this procedure (as I would like to call it) your waxer will pat your vagina and blow on it like she's patting a baby's BUTT ... As if!!!

After the feeling of being violated even though nothing has been inserted or penetrated in any of your holes ...

you walk out of the room like you've been raped by 5 men and more so like a GAY mid south cow boy but missing the cow boy hat ...

All for a clean cut and look ...

MEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

It's worth it ... 3 weeks of a hairless vagina and it looks like a shaved persian cat

But the more you do it, the longer it takes to grow back ...

The one thing that gets me though is that there is always some sort of world or oriental (supposedly soothing) music playing with birds chripring, water waves, and some sort of flute, but that shit doesn't help the pain disappear ...

So men, if you've been grossed out by this, appreciate your women more

MEOOOOOW!

And women, I love you ...

don't only do it for the men in your lives ... do it for the breezy feeling you get after you get numb from the pain ...

you never know - your man might appreciate it so much, he might get a wax job done too

dOOmEd OUt

UAE flirting ... can you compete? HAHAHA

So conventional flirting and dating is so not our norm but you know how it is when too many rules and barriers are set up - you always FIGHT IT.

Arrghh yes, the boy meet girl, boy and girl fall in love concept here works a little differently than any other part of the world.

Let's take a loser look at the evolving flirting and dating game in the UAE. It's quite hilarious.

15 years ago:

• girls not allowed to go out
• pager system was in place - CELL PHONES, WHAT?
• PLUMP girls were in fashion
• See-through BLACK abayas were the 'IT' thing
• Once a month dating (meaning the girl and the guy will look at each other from far away)
• They will always meet either in a very public place and pass notes or the guys will take a taxi to get to their destination and the girls with their drivers to go "STUDY" (aweeeeeeeeeena) at some god forsakken place
• The girl will always come with her cousin who somehow has a little freedom to go to the grocery store downstairs.
• The guy will always come with his BEST FRIEND
• The guys BEST FRIEND and the girls cousin will ALWAYS fall in love and want to get to know each other
• The guy would probably jack off after that because he wanted to touch the girl so bad, but he could barely even see her
• After 5 years of a love relationship where the couple have seen one another maybe 8 times, their counterparts (girls cousin and guys Best Friend) have already fucked somehow and usually in the BUMHOLE, the guy finally works up the gut to go propose to the girl
• The girl cries and says "Ana Makhtooba" meaning, my family has already arranged for my marriage to my cousin
• The guy's heart breaks and he fucks around
• He learns what it's like to drink
• Has "MAYLES" (majlis parties) and rents Chalets with his friends and they have "fucking'' orgies
• The girl hates her husband and has 2 children from him and still calls her first love for a fuck

10 years ago

• Same concept as five years ago
• BUT ... cell phones come into the picture
• Girls go to college (YAY - education is power)
• Guys meet girls at their colleges when girl gets break from classes
• They fuck at some random place
• Guy drop her off at college all dishevelled
• Guy has 4 other girlfriends coz now he has a cell phone
• Girl feels guy has someone else on the side - fucks around
• Both begin making excuses about not being able to see one other HER: College is getting tougher HIM: I have to help my dad with his business
• OR the classic: her brother finds out and usually turns out the guy she's dating is friends with her brother
• Girl gets a good AZZ whopping and I don't mean in a sexual way either - too bad the guy lives 3 houses down
• Guy never drives down her house again
• After 5 years, he says he has to marry some one his mom chooses, and she says she was never going to marry him anyway because she was always engaged to her cousin since she was 3 and half ...
• Both have wedding party lights decorated around their homes ... for their own weddings

5 years ago:

• Everything 15 years ago doesn't apply
• But all the new things from 10 years ago apply
• Guys now have balls to THROW their numbers on chits of paper whilst driving beside a group of girls, hoping one of the girls will pick up.
• Or better yet in a mall
• Guy is usually with friends
• Girls usually on binge eating ...
• Skinny is the new FAT - did you not know that!!!! (aghast)
• Abayas are gaining color mometum
• Guy thinks he is too kewl to be true because he studied in fucking BOSTON UNI - and he speaks english (with a less of an accent)
• One girl will pick up the chit with the number and call the guy that threw it and say my friend likes you but I like your friend
• They all hook up
• They meet - ANYWHERE - USUALLY he picks her up coz he has a car now (YEAH!!! - fuck it)
• They kiss on the first date
• They've already had phone sex
• They already said I LOVE YOU
• They fuck but the 3rd date
• It's a fucking relationship
• Their friends have relationship problems
• So each tries to solve it by calling the opposite sex and fixing it
• They wind up liking their friends boyfriend/girlfriend
• They secretly meet
• They fuck
• Some one finds out
• They fight
• Guy calls the girl a HOE
• Girl says she never got attention from him like from his friends
• Girls have a cat fight
• Guys watch them when angry and then go back to being friends again
• Guys move on
• Girls cry
• They don't speak
• They see each other at weddings and call each other bitches and spread rumors about the other
• They both show up for their exes weddings
• The girls become LESBIANS
• Then they get married - NOT to one another though (what a shame)

2 years ago:

• Somewhat like 5 years ago except any girl accepting a guys number is a HOE and she knows he thinks that but she still does it
• Abayas are barely on (barely a pin to hold them_ everything shows- but no Shaylas on the head ...
• Sunglasses in the mall
• Hair dyeing is a trend and it must be BLONDE streaks otherwise you are a loser
• They fuck right away
• They ditch
• Who cares
• The age of the bluetooth begins
• He video tapes her
• And forwards it to all the GUYS ...
• No one want to marry her but everyone wants to fuck her

6 months ago:

• Same as 5 years ago except GIRLS are throwing their numbers out and trying to get a fuck
• Guys run away and go and complain to cops
• Turns out he loves fucking lil' boys
• You see him walking with his gay friends (he's the fucker and the pimp)
• They have designs on their kandouras
• No respect
• No love
• Just lust
• Desperation levels increase in girls - no boyfriend, no marriage proposals ...

TODAY:

• Girls and guys drive up and down streets flashing their latest Bentleys and Mercs with the coolest plate number
• Usually Abu Dhabi guys ... now the Fujairah and RAK guys think they are super kewl
• Roll down windows
• Establish eye contact
• Bluetooth or accept numbers
• Talk late at night
• Hate each others conversations
• Move on
• Guys resort to Iraqi and Moroccan HOES
• Girls eat ice cream and talk about what losers guys are
• Then they take out their dildos - the ones they bought from their European summer vacation and fuck the shit out of themselves

TOMORROW:

BOYAS! - 4th generation sex

TEThadoona?????

sEAn pAUl ... take me NOW!

If there was ever a man ... I mean a REAL MAN who could make me sweat, perspire, horny, wild, intimidated, crazed ... then it has got to be SEAN PAUL.

I know ... I know ... I sound like a crazed teenager but I can't help it. He's like the banaa waffle, melted choclate fudge, vanilla topped ice cream that you know is bad for you in every way and because it's BAAAAAD, you want it even more.

I remember June 2004 ... yes, the first time SP came to Dubai. He arrived at Virgin Megastore for a press conference and he looked perfect ... I melted and thought what's the best way to get closer to him.

Luckily for me, Ive got friends in the media ... AND I MEAN friends! Got up right in front of Sean with his CD in my hand, shook his hand, posed for a picture and MELTED!

His concert was even Da' Bomb ... I'm telling you any man that can move his hips, talk his talk and walk his walk like Sean Paul - I promise I will submit to you SHAMELESSLY ...

And now, he's coming back ... to DUBAI ...

So much to say ... so much to do ...

Malaysia ... some Asia!!!

It never caeases to amaze me how cultures are so different yet so similar ...

In my last trip to Malaysia which I have to dutiful relay my experience to you all - however painful it may seem opened my eyes to a new world of possibilities ... not only were half my luggage stranded in Dubai and halfway through my transit in Thailand ...

I was faced to deal with a human being who has a weird disorder - the disorder that I call "I'm a freak who sounds like a broken record disc"

I was also quite impressed with the Malaysians - a funny lot I must say, always so whoopdy - doo and smiling. I finally worked up the nerve to ask one of the smiley people what sort of drug they were on because no human race could be this happy withOUT being sedated.

And since I hadn't been to Malaysia in years, I was so looking forward to go sight seeing but damn Indonesia had to do their SLASH and BURN of their forest - so the city of Kuala Lumpur was fogged from dawn to dusk!



If that wasn't freak enough, I thought Arabs were the laziest lot of all when it comes to work - and frankly speaking, the image below speaks quite LARGE volumes about our work culture

But I must have been highly mistaken ... I hardly got a glimpse of action from them ... As nice as they were, they were too laid back.

Not to mention, they have no MEN! ...

The trip wasn't so bad if you count the quick "in and out"process, the whining FREAKO I was stuck with and the actionless pack of smiley laid back people

And I did get to have the famous TETARI tea ... gulpy yummilicious ... and the amazing Petronas Towers

The XX & XY differences ... a picture with a 1,000 words

Take a look ... i'm giving you a sneak preview

So I thought about it for a lil' bit and realized that I haven't really talked much about the who I am and spent time on the what I think, and I decided that this blog would be an insight into the world of UAE's inevitably doomed chic.
You see, I'm a writer by nature - it something that comes naturally. I used to keep a diary a million years ago but you know what they say about girl's with diaries. It's the good girls gone bad babe ... so instead I found better outlets and blogging was a good way of doing so without repercussions.
Who am I?
I'm 23
I'm single
I'm ambitious
I'm motivated
I'm successful
I'm open-minded
I'm moving up the corporate ladder
I'm U.S. educated
I'm dedicated
I'm a romantic
I'm independent
I'm ready to compromise
I'm family oriented
I'm attractive (all depends on what you like)
I'm ready to love

But no matter what I am ... at the end of the day I'm a young Emirati living in sorrow ... and I've become aggressive, so I have mood swings ... and anger ... and frustrations to let out because as I woman, we aren't not recognized all the time, or given the credit we duly deserve, our men lie, love and leave us and want a girl with no opinions. I'm angry because my country is being overridden and driven by Westerner white folks and Indian blue collars. I'm angry that although my voice represents thousands of women, I will always be shut down for speaking my thoughts. I'm angry that when I think to give a man my trust and love, he takes it as me being clingy. I'm angry that blogging is an outlet, but I can't act out my emotions ...

I'm so angry that my anger crosses itself out to leave way to tears that no one hears or sees and I wake up in the morning and start a new day ...

So now you know ...

My story's been told

You think you're too KEWL!

First of all, let me thank and congratulate the Khaleeji men who have made complete idiots of us. They will never respect an Arab woman in power, yet they will kneel and chant 'hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm' to a psycho black bitch like Condi Rice. What's up with that?
When an Arab woman steps up in power - she's automatically branded as a 'hoe' or the most preferred terminology 'el ghahba' and they make up all sorts of stories about how she got into power.
What's even funny enough is that these our our men who have lived abroad - studied, ate, enjoyed for years.
They will work their asses off to get a 'Western girl's' attention - with the wine and dine technique but they will treat us like little dumb ass girls as tissue paper - something you sneeze into and throw aside and move on to the next.
Khaleeji men will party, drink, do drugs, FUCK every darn pussy walking biatch, and keep a bloody score card of how many hits they've had in a week.
They come back, put their kandouras on and tighten the ghutra and 3egal on their heads and they go back to being horny ass biatches.
When it comes to equal opportunities, we're as equal as our housemaids (that is if they don't have more rights than us)
Khaleeji men say one thing and do something else. Ask one today about how he feels on the progressive Emirati women and they'll say 'MashAllah, amazing, good for them' - but it's a bunch of bull.
They go to the Majlis and talk about how the women think we are all that, and we are so open minded and think democracy is our motto and would never think to marry us independent thinking women because we are not traditional.
Traditional up my friggin' arse.
Remember boys - 'do unto others as you would have them do to you'
You are all set for doom
Get your act right and us women might give you a place in the society when we hold the reigns.
Put us aside and you'll cry tears of blood

So you think you are your wife's first F*#@

Yes, my dear readers and this one is specifically geared to the men who think every walking woman is a potential F*#K and when they've quenched their thirst or rather when their families put pressure on them to get married, they quit their scavenging pussy hunt.
The funny thing is no matter how many years Khaleeji men may spend with their so-called love of their lives, they never opt to marry her.
Instead they go for the so called innocent, who don't go out, virgin girls. hunny, their ain't such a thing as a virgin anymore and if you do find one, i'll personally bend over and let you have your way.
A biology FYI for all of you idiots out there, almost every girl breaks her hymen way before she reaches the age of 10. The only reason there are many who bleed excessively is because of two reasons:

A. The fucked up men of our Glorious GCC countries push it in so hard that it bloody hurts

B. SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU! Period! So technically, you are raping her!

From what I know, most of our men don't even have the right package to fulfil the job and then blame the women that they aren't kinky enough. If it isn't the right size and length, then you're in deep do-do.

Plus, why should we care about whether you think we're virgins or not, since you men haven't been virgins even before you hit puberty.

So the next time you go around asking mommy or your sisters to find you a good bred wife, think about where her ass has been and believe you me, you are never the first.

Technology in medicine works wonders these days - for a couple of thousand of dirhams, girls today can get sewn up good, her pussy is tighter than a fucking Asian baby.

I'm glad I was able to get that off my chest ...

I need a drink ...

A fake face

how many times have you run into a person who always smiled, yet you knew there was something hidden in their eyes but it's just too hard to ask them what their thoughts are, their feelings, their passions, their fears

the answer i'm guessing is COUNTLESS number of times

i say that because i run into those people everyday, even moreso that i see one of them everyday when i wake up and look at myself in the mirror and see a relfection of never ending sorrow to the time i lay myself to sleep ...

yes, i must confess, i am one of those smiley people, yet i have to ask myself, what am i smiling for? it's certainly not for me ... the bubbliness of my physique is not parallel with my inner soul ...

so to me and to you, i will forever remain InevitablyDooMeD ...