Wednesday, November 08, 2006

UAE flirting ... can you compete? HAHAHA

So conventional flirting and dating is so not our norm but you know how it is when too many rules and barriers are set up - you always FIGHT IT.

Arrghh yes, the boy meet girl, boy and girl fall in love concept here works a little differently than any other part of the world.

Let's take a loser look at the evolving flirting and dating game in the UAE. It's quite hilarious.

15 years ago:
  • girls not allowed to go out
  • pager system was in place - CELL PHONES, WHAT?
  • PLUMP girls were in fashion
  • See-through BLACK abayas were the 'IT' thing
  • Once a month dating (meaning the girl and the guy will look at each other from far away)
  • They will always meet either in a very public place and pass notes or the guys will take a taxi to get to their destination and the girls with their drivers to go "STUDY" (aweeeeeeeeeena) at some god forsakken place
  • The girl will always come with her cousin who somehow has a little freedom to go to the grocery store downstairs.
  • The guy will always come with his BEST FRIEND
  • The guys BEST FRIEND and the girls cousin will ALWAYS fall in love and want to get to know each other
  • The guy would probably jack off after that because he wanted to touch the girl so bad, but he could barely even see her
  • After 5 years of a love relationship where the couple have seen one another maybe 8 times, their counterparts (girls cousin and guys Best Friend) have already fucked somehow and usually in the BUMHOLE, the guy finally works up the gut to go propose to the girl
  • The girl cries and says "Ana Makhtooba" meaning, my family has already arranged for my marriage to my cousin
  • The guy's heart breaks and he fucks around
  • He learns what it's like to drink
  • Has "MAYLES" (majlis parties) and rents Chalets with his friends and they have "fucking'' orgies
  • The girl hates her husband and has 2 children from him and still calls her first love for a fuck

10 years ago

  • Same concept as five years ago
  • BUT ... cell phones come into the picture
  • Girls go to college (YAY - education is power)
  • Guys meet girls at their colleges when girl gets break from classes
  • They fuck at some random place
  • Guy drop her off at college all dishevelled
  • Guy has 4 other girlfriends coz now he has a cell phone
  • Girl feels guy has someone else on the side - fucks around
  • Both begin making excuses about not being able to see one other HER: College is getting tougher HIM: I have to help my dad with his business
  • OR the classic: her brother finds out and usually turns out the guy she's dating is friends with her brother
  • Girl gets a good AZZ whopping and I don't mean in a sexual way either - too bad the guy lives 3 houses down
  • Guy never drives down her house again
  • After 5 years, he says he has to marry some one his mom chooses, and she says she was never going to marry him anyway because she was always engaged to her cousin since she was 3 and half ...
  • Both have wedding party lights decorated around their homes ... for their own weddings

5 years ago:

  • Everything 15 years ago doesn't apply
  • But all the new things from 10 years ago apply
  • Guys now have balls to THROW their numbers on chits of paper whilst driving beside a group of girls, hoping one of the girls will pick up.
  • Or better yet in a mall
  • Guy is usually with friends
  • Girls usually on binge eating ...
  • Skinny is the new FAT - did you not know that!!!! (aghast)
  • Abayas are gaining color mometum
  • Guy thinks he is too kewl to be true because he studied in fucking BOSTON UNI - and he speaks english (with a less of an accent)
  • One girl will pick up the chit with the number and call the guy that threw it and say my friend likes you but I like your friend
  • They all hook up
  • They meet - ANYWHERE - USUALLY he picks her up coz he has a car now (YEAH!!! - fuck it)
  • They kiss on the first date
  • They've already had phone sex
  • They already said I LOVE YOU
  • They fuck but the 3rd date
  • It's a fucking relationship
  • Their friends have relationship problems
  • So each tries to solve it by calling the opposite sex and fixing it
  • They wind up liking their friends boyfriend/girlfriend
  • They secretly meet
  • They fuck
  • Some one finds out
  • They fight
  • Guy calls the girl a HOE
  • Girl says she never got attention from him like from his friends
  • Girls have a cat fight
  • Guys watch them when angry and then go back to being friends again
  • Guys move on
  • Girls cry
  • They don't speak
  • They see each other at weddings and call each other bitches and spread rumors about the other
  • They both show up for their exes weddings
  • The girls become LESBIANS
  • Then they get married - NOT to one another though (what a shame)

2 years ago:

  • Somewhat like 5 years ago except any girl accepting a guys number is a HOE and she knows he thinks that but she still does it
  • Abayas are barely on (barely a pin to hold them_ everything shows- but no Shaylas on the head ...
  • Sunglasses in the mall
  • Hair dyeing is a trend and it must be BLONDE streaks otherwise you are a loser
  • They fuck right away
  • They ditch
  • Who cares
  • The age of the bluetooth begins
  • He video tapes her
  • And forwards it to all the GUYS ...
  • No one want to marry her but everyone wants to fuck her

6 months ago:

  • Same as 5 years ago except GIRLS are throwing their numbers out and trying to get a fuck
  • Guys run away and go and complain to cops
  • Turns out he loves fucking lil' boys
  • You see him walking with his gay friends (he's the fucker and the pimp)
  • They have designs on their kandouras
  • No respect
  • No love
  • Just lust
  • Desperation levels increase in girls - no boyfriend, no marriage proposals ...


  • Girls and guys drive up and down streets flashing their latest Bentleys and Mercs with the coolest plate number
  • Usually Abu Dhabi guys ... now the Fujairah and RAK guys think they are super kewl
  • Roll down windows
  • Establish eye contact
  • Bluetooth or accept numbers
  • Talk late at night
  • Hate each others conversations
  • Move on
  • Guys resort to Iraqi and Moroccan HOES
  • Girls eat ice cream and talk about what losers guys are
  • Then they take out their dildos - the ones they bought from their European summer vacation and fuck the shit out of themselves


BOYAS! - 4th generation sex


Thursday, November 02, 2006

sEAn pAUl ... take me NOW!

If there was ever a man ... I mean a REAL MAN who could make me sweat, perspire, horny, wild, intimidated, crazed ... then it has got to be SEAN PAUL.

I know ... I know ... I sound like a crazed teenager but I can't help it. He's like the banaa waffle, melted choclate fudge, vanilla topped ice cream that you know is bad for you in every way and because it's BAAAAAD, you want it even more.

I remember June 2004 ... yes, the first time SP came to Dubai. He arrived at Virgin Megastore for a press conference and he looked perfect ... I melted and thought what's the best way to get closer to him.

Luckily for me, Ive got friends in the media ... AND I MEAN friends! Got up right in front of Sean with his CD in my hand, shook his hand, posed for a picture and MELTED!

His concert was even Da' Bomb ... I'm telling you any man that can move his hips, talk his talk and walk his walk like Sean Paul - I promise I will submit to you SHAMELESSLY ...

And now, he's coming back ... to DUBAI ...

So much to say ... so much to do ...

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Malaysia ... some Asia!!!

It never caeases to amaze me how cultures are so different yet so similar ...

In my last trip to Malaysia which I have to dutiful relay my experience to you all - however painful it may seem opened my eyes to a new world of possibilities ... not only were half my luggage stranded in Dubai and halfway through my transit in Thailand ...

I was faced to deal with a human being who has a weird disorder - the disorder that I call "I'm a freak who sounds like a broken record disc"

I was also quite impressed with the Malaysians - a funny lot I must say, always so whoopdy - doo and smiling. I finally worked up the nerve to ask one of the smiley people what sort of drug they were on because no human race could be this happy withOUT being sedated.

And since I hadn't been to Malaysia in years, I was so looking forward to go sight seeing but damn Indonesia had to do their SLASH and BURN of their forest - so the city of Kuala Lumpur was fogged from dawn to dusk!

If that wasn't freak enough, I thought Arabs were the laziest lot of all when it comes to work - and frankly speaking, the image below speaks quite LARGE volumes about our work culture

But I must have been highly mistaken ... I hardly got a glimpse of action from them ... As nice as they were, they were too laid back.

Not to mention, they have no MEN! ...

The trip wasn't so bad if you count the quick "in and out"process, the whining FREAKO I was stuck with and the actionless pack of smiley laid back people

And I did get to have the famous TETARI tea ... gulpy yummilicious ... and the amazing Petronas Towers

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