Another 6 months

Once again ... I have failed in providing you with the latest in my life and thoughts ...

It's been 6 months ... but better late than never.

i recently came back to my blog and noticed some idiots who have posted idiotic comments ... it's not that I care. I just mentioned it so that I can say that I have proven my point and I am proud that I was able to do so ...

So what have I been upto?

Work and family which have been the center of my existence and honestly, I am exhausted ... exhausted to the core of my being ... I am in dire need of a good and relaxing holiday.

Tell me ... how have you all been?

Missing me for sure ;)

Until my next post ... Keep it real

Ana Emirati - an introduction to the male psyche

Hello fellow bloggers and readers,

Have you missed me? I sure have missed you. And I know I made promises that I never kept but the onset of 2008 has made me re evaluate my writing and you know what they say about girls who write and keep a record of it. "Good girls keep diaries; bad girls just go out and do IT"!

Well, at least that is my version of it.

So, what do I have in store for you? Let's see, there are so many things to cover but this one is dedicated to the Emirati men. Oh! The men of our beloved country who think they are the shit but have quite an arms length list of short comings.

Maybe some of these can be replicated on other Khaleeji men, but who I am to speak about them.

Plus, I am sure along the way, some weirdo with the nickname "Anonymous" is going to post some idiotic comment about me being lesbian or a feminist! If you really have the balls, show yourself.

(Cracking my knuckles and stretching my arms), here we go.

1. Emirati men will refer to themselves as LOCAL or "Ana Muwa6en" anywhere they go in the world. (the same applies for women of some sorts) but for some odd reason, its usually the men who embarrass us the most.
I'm sorry but Local of what country exactly? The last time I checked, this is the UAE unless we changed the name of the country to Local Arab Emirates.

2. Emirati men are bred in such a way whereby they are led to believe no matter how fat or ugly they are they will always get a women because of their family name, money or just for being plain stupid

3. When they are children, they experiment on beating, abusing, and sometimes even sexually molesting any animal or weaker creature to them such as cats, dogs, goats are a favorite fuck buddy, some have even developed a relationship with the abhorrent animals! Cats or birds usually get their tails chopped off, eyes poked out and thrown against a wall or anything else.

This by the way is a testament to how our men are such strong men! BARF!

Take them to fucking boxing ring, lets see how they fare then.

4. Previously, showing your penis to people meant you are a MAN! Nowadays, they have the sense that if their cocks are even smaller than their pea sized brains, they should keep in under covers.

5. The wizar - the white cloth tied around a mans waist under his kandoora (they dont wear any underwear at all) is used clean up anything! Such as:

a. Their snot if they sneeze
b. After they pee
c. After they cum
d. After the girl cums
e. After their goat cums
f. Sweat
g. Basically anything that is fluid based!

6. Emirati guys have no money! Seriously. As opposed to Qatar which has a lot more money than we do. Emirati men resort to taking ridiculously large amounts of loan from the bank to pay for the latest cars.
They drive around with 10 dirhams worth of petrol which they basically paid for by leaving their drivers lisence behind at the petrol station 2 minutes away from where they live. They then tell their house boys to go pay for the petrol and "mama will give you money back when your ma3ash comes out"

7. Most Emirati men will make no more than 30,000 AED per month until they die. This is because they believe since everything is giving them everything for free such as land, healthcare, the rest of their money can come through credit cards and loans and when they die, it is wiped away so no aspirations to make more money

8. Emirati men think "Hala Wallah", "Hala Sheikha", or anything that has a prefix of Hala is actually a good pick up line! They seriously think they are pimps and try their luck with anything that has a hole. Sometimes even men, sadly! These same men have gotten slapped, reported to the police, spat on and other derogatory things been done to them because of this trend.

9. Most Emirati men think that cruising up and down certain streets makes them well worthy of a boyfriend status. In their expensive, loaned cars, with their 10 dirhams a tank petrol.

10. These same men eat at mini cafeteria in the corner areas of Dubai with names such as "Jabal Al Noor" and "Cafeteria Antar" and order things like a jumbo shrimp sandwich which costs them 12 dirhams and comes with fries and the Bur Al Arab cocktail drink.

Then they get diarhoea!

11. Emirati men apparently cant fuck to save their lives. The reason for this is because they have no rhythm or dancing skills. Had they acquired these skills they would realize that not only their penises are small and purple looking but cannot function.

12. Which brings me to the dancing: moving your neck in a camel walking fashion while holding a stick is not dancing. Al Youla is a war dance not a fashion statement or the latest in hip hop dancing!

13. Having 20 white kandooras in a closet really does put a strain on your fashion sense, because never have I seen such ridiculous outfits than when an Emirati man puts on jeans/pants and shirt/tshirt. Everything is just so tight and the pants are elevated to the chest! And the hair partition is always to the side!

14. Not speaking English is condemned by Emirati females, however, speaking broken English is even worse. We are in 2008 - get into an English language program for Gods sake!

15. Your cousins and sisters are NOT virgins! Yes, so stop dissing the girls who don't wear abaya, or don't put a shayla on their head, or speak perfect English, or drive their own cars, travel alone without the embarrassing male companion, have their own businesses, or make more money than you.


I think I listed it all but there's room for more. Plus, I'm opening applications for a potential boyfriend/slash husband - if you are Emirati and don't fit any of the above listed, please contact me. I have hot friends too.

Why does it hurt so much ...

the two worst questions in a relationship that's falling apart or that's fallen apart is "WHY?" and/ or "WHAT's wrong with me?"

i've been through so much in my 24 years of existence that now when i look back i am not sure i should thank God for letting me go through all these experiences or hate myself for not being a better judge of character.

but my last experience with a guy made me such a bitter person and more angrier than ever before.
it seems no one is good enough or anyone that comes across will have to have something wrong with them and before trying out what could be a lasting and loving relationship, i reject it before the opportunity comes or i run away in fear that i will have the same experience.

everyone is different, but i am the same person and it seems that i never learn from my mistakes.

i get emotional very quickly and it affects such a big portion of my love life which in turn doesn't help get things patched up and better until it's too late.

i have been able to succeed in almost everything i set my mind or heart to do but in the love department; it's always been a failure.

why do i go for the guys that i know i will have no future with? or guys that will treat me badly? why cant i pick the normal ones, who treat me like a queen and respect me? instead, i'll choose the bastard i know i'm going to be unhappy with - the guy i am most incompatible with?

i'll get carried away by his charm and tantalizing smile only to cry later on and hate myself ...

it hurts so much because no matter how many lessons life teaches you, you'll never learn enough.

it hurts so much because no matter how much or how little you love someone, you are bound to lose them someday

it hurts because you know you could have been happier had you not taken the risk

but it hurts even more knowing you would always ask "WHAT IF ...?"

so i take the risk ... and i set my self up for pain ... hoping the more pain i go through, i'll finally be immune to it and be an ice cold bitch ...

is it I, is it me, is it my ...

so, my fellow bloggers, i must apologize for abandoning you for as long as i have. i have so many things that i can attribute my lack of writing but i guess the trophy goes to the fact that i have been lazy.

much of the blame also goes to the fact that i haven't been able to put my thoughts together. it's been a rollercoaster first 6 months of 2007 and i'm sure the next half of the year will be just as crazy.

have i changed? yes ... i have ... from my hair color to who i've dated to increasing my friends circle to work achievements to family reunions ... it's been wild but most of the time in a good way.

i wanted to let you all know that i am back and i promise to keep a fortnight from each blog that i write from now on ...

watch out ... coz tomorrow i come with two insights that i promise will give you a look into my crazy yet exciting life ...

until then ...

cherio

fUll brAzIlIAn wAx ... OUch!

I'm not quite sure when the concept of hair removal came into place and I don't care now - at least not anymore!
But I had one of the worst experiences just a few days ago after getting a full BRAZILIAN done on me and I'm still recuperating from the burning injuries I sustained.
If you don't know what a Brazilian is, stop reading now!
So ladies, keep that skin so fresh and so clean and pulled till it becomes loose by the time you turn 35.5
Now, for all you men out there, here's a preview of the pain we go through:

Step 1: a girl must first locate a good wax place. Usually the "kahyan" places have the best waxers from India or Vietnam or something like that. STOP BELIEVING that the Burj Al Arab hotel has the best salon! Because it doesn't!
Step 2: if a girl doesn't find a good waxer place, please get a recommendation of a good waxer place from a minimum of 5 people, not your mom's friends cousin's daughter!

Step 3: make sure you wear nice cotton underwear, not a silk thong ok? this is not a sex freak show, and you need to be comfortable and not have strings all up in your coochie and asshole

Step 4: your waxer will see your vagina! repeat that in your head as many times as possible because it is the reality

Step 5: relax your muscles ... think of that boyfriend or that one night stand you had that gets you wet every time - just don't wet the flat bed you're laying on and scare the shit out of your waxer

Step 6: be prepared to stretch your legs as your waxer demands and in any position she demands.

Again! This is not a sex show - if you think this is PORN, please leave my blog

Step 7: your waxer will massage warm wax on a small area of your vagina and then rip the hairs out

NOTE: Yes, it hurts like a bitch for the first 25 times ...

Step 8: she moves closer to your vagina lips

Step 9: she asks you to gently hold back your clitoris on one side while she rips more hair out

Step 10: hold your clitoris on the opposite side, and the process continues

Step 11: Btw, you're agonizing in pain now ...

Turn around ...

Step 12: Put each one of your hands on each one of your butt cheeks

And open wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide ...

(Khaleeji boyz, don't get any ideas!!!)

Step 13: This process actually is better than vagina waxing coz there's more meat

And voila ... your ass is cleaned up

Step 14: All along this procedure (as I would like to call it) your waxer will pat your vagina and blow on it like she's patting a baby's BUTT ... As if!!!

After the feeling of being violated even though nothing has been inserted or penetrated in any of your holes ...

you walk out of the room like you've been raped by 5 men and more so like a GAY mid south cow boy but missing the cow boy hat ...

All for a clean cut and look ...

MEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

It's worth it ... 3 weeks of a hairless vagina and it looks like a shaved persian cat

But the more you do it, the longer it takes to grow back ...

The one thing that gets me though is that there is always some sort of world or oriental (supposedly soothing) music playing with birds chripring, water waves, and some sort of flute, but that shit doesn't help the pain disappear ...

So men, if you've been grossed out by this, appreciate your women more

MEOOOOOW!

And women, I love you ...

don't only do it for the men in your lives ... do it for the breezy feeling you get after you get numb from the pain ...

you never know - your man might appreciate it so much, he might get a wax job done too

dOOmEd OUt

UAE flirting ... can you compete? HAHAHA

So conventional flirting and dating is so not our norm but you know how it is when too many rules and barriers are set up - you always FIGHT IT.

Arrghh yes, the boy meet girl, boy and girl fall in love concept here works a little differently than any other part of the world.

Let's take a loser look at the evolving flirting and dating game in the UAE. It's quite hilarious.

15 years ago:

• girls not allowed to go out
• pager system was in place - CELL PHONES, WHAT?
• PLUMP girls were in fashion
• See-through BLACK abayas were the 'IT' thing
• Once a month dating (meaning the girl and the guy will look at each other from far away)
• They will always meet either in a very public place and pass notes or the guys will take a taxi to get to their destination and the girls with their drivers to go "STUDY" (aweeeeeeeeeena) at some god forsakken place
• The girl will always come with her cousin who somehow has a little freedom to go to the grocery store downstairs.
• The guy will always come with his BEST FRIEND
• The guys BEST FRIEND and the girls cousin will ALWAYS fall in love and want to get to know each other
• The guy would probably jack off after that because he wanted to touch the girl so bad, but he could barely even see her
• After 5 years of a love relationship where the couple have seen one another maybe 8 times, their counterparts (girls cousin and guys Best Friend) have already fucked somehow and usually in the BUMHOLE, the guy finally works up the gut to go propose to the girl
• The girl cries and says "Ana Makhtooba" meaning, my family has already arranged for my marriage to my cousin
• The guy's heart breaks and he fucks around
• He learns what it's like to drink
• Has "MAYLES" (majlis parties) and rents Chalets with his friends and they have "fucking'' orgies
• The girl hates her husband and has 2 children from him and still calls her first love for a fuck

10 years ago

• Same concept as five years ago
• BUT ... cell phones come into the picture
• Girls go to college (YAY - education is power)
• Guys meet girls at their colleges when girl gets break from classes
• They fuck at some random place
• Guy drop her off at college all dishevelled
• Guy has 4 other girlfriends coz now he has a cell phone
• Girl feels guy has someone else on the side - fucks around
• Both begin making excuses about not being able to see one other HER: College is getting tougher HIM: I have to help my dad with his business
• OR the classic: her brother finds out and usually turns out the guy she's dating is friends with her brother
• Girl gets a good AZZ whopping and I don't mean in a sexual way either - too bad the guy lives 3 houses down
• Guy never drives down her house again
• After 5 years, he says he has to marry some one his mom chooses, and she says she was never going to marry him anyway because she was always engaged to her cousin since she was 3 and half ...
• Both have wedding party lights decorated around their homes ... for their own weddings

5 years ago:

• Everything 15 years ago doesn't apply
• But all the new things from 10 years ago apply
• Guys now have balls to THROW their numbers on chits of paper whilst driving beside a group of girls, hoping one of the girls will pick up.
• Or better yet in a mall
• Guy is usually with friends
• Girls usually on binge eating ...
• Skinny is the new FAT - did you not know that!!!! (aghast)
• Abayas are gaining color mometum
• Guy thinks he is too kewl to be true because he studied in fucking BOSTON UNI - and he speaks english (with a less of an accent)
• One girl will pick up the chit with the number and call the guy that threw it and say my friend likes you but I like your friend
• They all hook up
• They meet - ANYWHERE - USUALLY he picks her up coz he has a car now (YEAH!!! - fuck it)
• They kiss on the first date
• They've already had phone sex
• They already said I LOVE YOU
• They fuck but the 3rd date
• It's a fucking relationship
• Their friends have relationship problems
• So each tries to solve it by calling the opposite sex and fixing it
• They wind up liking their friends boyfriend/girlfriend
• They secretly meet
• They fuck
• Some one finds out
• They fight
• Guy calls the girl a HOE
• Girl says she never got attention from him like from his friends
• Girls have a cat fight
• Guys watch them when angry and then go back to being friends again
• Guys move on
• Girls cry
• They don't speak
• They see each other at weddings and call each other bitches and spread rumors about the other
• They both show up for their exes weddings
• The girls become LESBIANS
• Then they get married - NOT to one another though (what a shame)

2 years ago:

• Somewhat like 5 years ago except any girl accepting a guys number is a HOE and she knows he thinks that but she still does it
• Abayas are barely on (barely a pin to hold them_ everything shows- but no Shaylas on the head ...
• Sunglasses in the mall
• Hair dyeing is a trend and it must be BLONDE streaks otherwise you are a loser
• They fuck right away
• They ditch
• Who cares
• The age of the bluetooth begins
• He video tapes her
• And forwards it to all the GUYS ...
• No one want to marry her but everyone wants to fuck her

6 months ago:

• Same as 5 years ago except GIRLS are throwing their numbers out and trying to get a fuck
• Guys run away and go and complain to cops
• Turns out he loves fucking lil' boys
• You see him walking with his gay friends (he's the fucker and the pimp)
• They have designs on their kandouras
• No respect
• No love
• Just lust
• Desperation levels increase in girls - no boyfriend, no marriage proposals ...

TODAY:

• Girls and guys drive up and down streets flashing their latest Bentleys and Mercs with the coolest plate number
• Usually Abu Dhabi guys ... now the Fujairah and RAK guys think they are super kewl
• Roll down windows
• Establish eye contact
• Bluetooth or accept numbers
• Talk late at night
• Hate each others conversations
• Move on
• Guys resort to Iraqi and Moroccan HOES
• Girls eat ice cream and talk about what losers guys are
• Then they take out their dildos - the ones they bought from their European summer vacation and fuck the shit out of themselves

TOMORROW:

BOYAS! - 4th generation sex

TEThadoona?????

sEAn pAUl ... take me NOW!

If there was ever a man ... I mean a REAL MAN who could make me sweat, perspire, horny, wild, intimidated, crazed ... then it has got to be SEAN PAUL.

I know ... I know ... I sound like a crazed teenager but I can't help it. He's like the banaa waffle, melted choclate fudge, vanilla topped ice cream that you know is bad for you in every way and because it's BAAAAAD, you want it even more.

I remember June 2004 ... yes, the first time SP came to Dubai. He arrived at Virgin Megastore for a press conference and he looked perfect ... I melted and thought what's the best way to get closer to him.

Luckily for me, Ive got friends in the media ... AND I MEAN friends! Got up right in front of Sean with his CD in my hand, shook his hand, posed for a picture and MELTED!

His concert was even Da' Bomb ... I'm telling you any man that can move his hips, talk his talk and walk his walk like Sean Paul - I promise I will submit to you SHAMELESSLY ...

And now, he's coming back ... to DUBAI ...

So much to say ... so much to do ...